I always go back to 17, most often when I’m driving and listening to music. A song will remind me of how much I hated myself that year and I’m back there, looking at 1987 like a white cross on the roadside. It’s the year I told. It’s the year I lost control of everything. It’s the year I spent two weeks in a psychiatric facility and wished I could stay… Read More
I cried in the shower this morning, which is my favorite place to break down. There’s something about hot water mixing with hot tears that’s comforting and cleansing. And I don’t have to care about messing up my make-up. I’m just really tired. Some of it is sick and tired but most of it is a bone-tired feeling from a job hard worked and well done. The sick and tired part weighs… Read More
I purposely keep walking by mirrors so that I can see myself. When I’m sure no one is looking, I lift my shirt to make sure they’re real. I feel like a teenage girl whose boobies sprouted overnight; amazed, grateful, relieved. And to think that all it took was a little surgery to make me recognize myself again.
I had a two-day meltdown last month, which seems to happen every July. I don’t know what the trigger is exactly, other than that most of the abuse I can remember happened during the summer months. It used to bother me, not knowing why it was always July, and now I think that maybe it’s a mystery that doesn’t need to be solved. Or maybe it is solved and I just want to… Read More
Getting our taxes done used to be my least favorite thing until I discovered buying a house. What was supposed to be a fairly straightforward process turned into a stressful nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. It’s certainly not life threatening, but it’s not nothing either. When all of your belongings are packed into a moving truck and you have no idea when or where it’ll be unpacked, it’s emotional. The… Read More
I keep checking in with myself. “Am I ok?” Then I pause and wait for some sign or feeling that I’m not ok and it hasn’t come. This feeling of stability is wonderful, especially with the craziness that I’ve taken on. In the last month I’ve tackled Thanksgiving, end-of-year preparations for our business, Christmas shopping, holiday parties, a tax audit, dentist/doctor appointments and oh, guess what? We’re putting our home of 19 years on… Read More
We go to the beach with nothing more than a towel, a bottle of water and a bag for seashells. No phones, no camera. No umbrella, chairs, cooler or sunscreen. We did a full on beach day like that a couple of days before and within 2 hours, the kids were ready to leave. What do you mean you want to go back? When your dad and I used to go to… Read More
There’s a line I read in a Liane Moriarty book where the character is looking around a cafe and thinking, If only I were here, which is odd because she actually is there. It’s a feeling I instantly related to because I’ve often had a sense of being disconnected, as if I’m observing my life from a distance and thinking that it would be a beautiful place to be. I’m longing to… Read More
“Are you tired? You look tired.” I absolutely HATE when people say that to me. If I’ve ever told you that, I’m sorry. “No, this is just my face,” I reply.
I woke up January 1, 2015 with no anxiety about anything. I’m serious. I have never started a new year without anxiety. When it wasn’t financial anxiety, it was career anxiety. When it wasn’t career anxiety, it was relationship or family anxiety. There has always been something to be worried about. On this New Year’s morning, I instantly recognized the difference. It was like kicking off a heavy blanket and feeling crisp,… Read More