Mended Musings

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When I come across a picture of myself as a child, I fight against what I see. I see her smiling face but most of the time, I don’t remember being her. In my childhood memories, I’m not really a child at all but something other. I’ve been in recovery for awhile now and I still struggle with explaining what that means, what it means to have never really felt like a… Read More

I’m sitting in my yard with my laptop and a bottle of Method All-Purpose spray. I really want to write but I can’t figure out what story needs to be told so I focus on the mosquitos instead. I’ve sprayed my ankles with insect repellent and anything that dares to fly near me gets a shot of the Method. I chuckle at the irony that non-toxic plant-based household cleaner makes those suckers… Read More

I’ve spent the last year learning what it means to trust myself in dark places. I don’t mean darkness in the sense of depression or danger. More like learning to feel my way through the dark without automatically reaching over to turn on a light and asking myself what I need to learn in this place before moving on. Part of that has been separating from outside influences so that I could… Read More

I’ve been angry since my sister died last September. And sad, of course. Confused. Broken open in new places (as if I needed more breaking…see, there’s that anger). Right after she died, there were signs everywhere. I felt her presence. I could hear her voice say, “Karen…”. To me, it was the way you call someone’s name when you want to gently but urgently wake them up. A couple of months after… Read More

There’s a line I read in a Liane Moriarty book where the character is looking around a cafe and thinking, If only I were here, which is odd because she actually is there. It’s a feeling I instantly related to because I’ve often had a sense of being disconnected, as if I’m observing my life from a distance and thinking that it would be a beautiful place to be. I’m longing to… Read More

I woke up January 1, 2015 with no anxiety about anything. I’m serious. I have never started a new year without anxiety. When it wasn’t financial anxiety, it was career anxiety. When it wasn’t career anxiety, it was relationship or family anxiety. There has always been something to be worried about. On this New Year’s morning, I instantly recognized the difference. It was like kicking off a heavy blanket and feeling crisp,… Read More

My favorite time of year is in between Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s something about Thanksgiving being over and the anticipation of Christmas that makes me want to take stock in what I have to be thankful for. These are just a few:

Blog? What’s a blog? Oh yeah, that thing that used to call to me like a longing lover at least once a week. Sorry honey, I just haven’t been feeling it. My little guy turned 6 and we had our first parent/teacher conference. He’s totally rocking kindergarten. My heart dropped a little when his teacher pointed out that he’s very hard on himself but that he seems to be finding his groove… Read More

I felt too tethered to the earth last week. I walked through each day with a sense that something was coming, or maybe more like something was happening but I didn’t know what. It was like that time I had a dream about the woman who adopted my cat. I only met her once but we became Facebook friends so that we could see pictures of Moo-Moo. I had a dream that… Read More

I’ve read some great posts lately which have given me insight into the process of healing. I’ll share the links at the bottom. So often, we think of healing as something we’re doing for ourselves so that we can stand to live in our skin, tolerate difficult circumstances or move on from people, choices and events. We dig deep, confront demons and forgive. We change our perception, accept responsibility and honor what… Read More