Ambrosia and Jesus

La Fiesta de los Vaqueros, 1940

La Fiesta de los Vaqueros, 1940
Photo credit: Tucsonrodeoparade.org

When I was in elementary school, I was bullied by an older, bigger girl from 1st to 4th grade. Back in those days, it was considered “kids being kids” and complaining did no good. I endured regular abuse from the bus stop to the playground to the classroom. I lived life in a constant state of anxiety and fear but I learned to survive by keeping a low profile. It was a real struggle to get the balance right because I innately craved attention and praise. While I wanted to raise my hand in class and play rambunctiously on the playground, I didn’t want to suffer the consequences of drawing the attention of my bully. Read More

gift of god

No two rock bottoms are the same. The point where we decide that we simply cannot keep hurting ourselves looks different for everyone. This is important because some of us struggle with our perception of what alcoholism looks like. Read More

The Big and Little of Things

stars

The other night, I took the dog outside before bed and looked up into the stars. An overwhelming feeling struck me in the chest. I felt the immense power of God, the creator of the universe and I was staring right into His creation. It was all right there.  And instead of feeling small and insignificant, I felt a connection to what God created out there and knew that it was in here too. Read More

Numbaholic

NUMB

I think of myself as a numbaholic, prone to disengaging in not-so-healthy ways. Alcohol was by far my favorite way to numb but I still have others. Food, immersing myself in books, playing Angry Birds, keeping busy, cleaning (maybe this one isn’t so bad), reading blogs, over-spending, picking at my cuticles…these are all ways that I numb myself. Read More

Rocky

Rocky, aka Rocket Puppy

We recently got a dog who narrowly escaped being named Grover by my 4 year old. He’s a year old rescue dog with a gentle energy who is completely unfazed by the chaos of our home. I thought it was going to be a big adjustment but it turns out that it’s just like having another preschooler in the house. Fortunately, he seems to be easier to train than the kids. Read More

Open Letter to Heather Kopp

anais nin quote

Dear Heather,

I read your book, Sober Mercies: How Love Caught Up With a Christian Drunk. I finished it a couple of weeks ago and have been thinking about it ever since. I laughed, I cried, I related. It wasn’t my story but like all the stories I’ve heard of people in recovery, it was close enough. The details of our drinking are different but our stories have the same theme. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable. Read More

Dreams

dream bridge

I had a dream the other night that left me with such an intense feeling of joy, I felt compelled to write it down to capture every detail. I couldn’t even complete a sentence before the essence of the dream started to fade. I pictured it so clearly in mind but each time I chose a word to describe what I experienced, the vision faded. I finally closed my eyes and tried to immerse myself back into the feeling of the dream. Words failed me. Read More

Anger

My son's version of an angry man.

My son’s version of an angry man.

My daughter, who is almost 3, comically controls her universe. If I scold her, she stamps out my words by saying, “Stop talking! Stop talking!” If I give her a disapproving look, she responds by closing her eyes so that she can’t see me. My son, on the other hand, is 4 ½ and developing a conscience. He can’t tolerate disapproval and will often respond with, “I want you to be dead forever!” “Ok,” I reply, “but I still want you to help clean up this mess.” It speaks to his level of trust in me that he can wish me dead and know that I’ll still love him. It’s a trust that I cultivate because I felt very differently as a child. Read More

An Awkward Christian

God's love

I recently celebrated my first year of being a Christian. It felt a lot like my first year of not drinking. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it all means, trying the label “Christian” on for size and getting used to the vernacular (or as Dr Evil would say, I don’t “sprechen sie the same lingidy.”).

I’m a very awkward Christian. Read More

True Beauty

my heart

I told my 4-year-old son that I was going to get my hair cut and he started crying. “I don’t want you to get your hair cut. I like you the way you are!”

It’s a reminder to me to try to feel as beautiful as I am in my children’s eyes. Read More