Can we be friends?
I know I’m talking to myself and it sounds kind of silly but if I talk to you like a friend maybe you’ll listen.
I need to make amends.
I’ve thought things about you that if I knew anyone else was thinking I’d be crushed.
I’ve said things to you in the mirror that I’d punch someone in the mouth if I heard them say.
I have resisted feeling comfortable in you and have wanted to ignore that you exist. Some of that is because we’ve been violated and our boundaries have been disregarded and disrespected. That’s probably why I cry when we do yoga and why I don’t always know how to read the signals you send me when you need more than I’m giving you.
But a lot of how I have felt about you is because I’ve been the one who has disregarded and disrespected our boundaries.
I have under/over-fed you, under-valued you and under-appreciated you when all you’ve ever done is support every step and breath I take.
When Husband took the picture above, he captured a moment of pure bliss. Giant waves crashed around me and I felt the power and awe of God. But when I saw the picture, all I could see is my pear-shaped body, thick thighs and jiggly parts disguised by a tankini.
You deserve better than that. You don’t deserve to be reduced to how fat or thin you are, how much cellulite you have or how the world perceives your beauty or lack of it. You don’t deserve to be reduced at all.
You kept me upright when I learned to ride a motorcycle and when I raced my quad up Competition Hill.
You’ve kept a steady pace up countless desert and mountain trails, teaching me the importance of breath and focus.
My babies came into this world through the miracle that is you and still find sanctuary in your embrace.
And there is no better feeling than wrapping you in a cozy blanket on the couch on a cloudy day.
When my mind is vulnerable and I start to falter in my confidence, I want you to remember these things:
Don’t question how the man that has been married to you for over 22 years can still be ridiculously attracted to you. Just embrace it and know that you are worthy of love and affection.
When you try on clothes and they seem to accentuate everything you want to hide, you are not the problem. The clothes are the problem. Find better clothes. I don’t want you to feel squeezed. I want you to feel hugged.
I don’t want you to feel like you’re on display in a contest of impossible standards. We have too much living to do to play games that aren’t even fun.
You are not a temporary shell that has to be endured or modified to make me feel better about how I feel inside. We are STRONG. We are BRAVE. We are ONE.