Middle Space

Anyone want a hug?

Anyone need a hug?

His hand in mine feels so small and perfect. We’re walking and he’s telling me about the strong evidence that Jar Jar Binks is really a Sith Lord and he’s promising to show me all the YouTube videos that prove it. I’m barely paying attention (huh? that goofy Gungan a Sith Lord?) because all I can think about is how he looks the same as he did when he was a baby, minus the chubby cheeks and Michelin man legs. I can’t remember the last time I hugged this kid. Not cuddle on the couch while I’m distracted by Downton Abbey but totally embraced him and felt his spirit reach my heart. And now he’s looking up at me with his Abercrombie model face arguing Star Wars conspiracy theories. It’s the shot in the arm I need to be present in this exact moment because for a brief second I have the terrifying thought where have I been for the past 7 years?

 

Here. Right here. I am right here.

 

Maybe it’s my perimenopausal mind or maybe I’ve always been forgetful but I realized a few months ago that I can’t do what needs to be done in my daily life and write at the same time. It’s taking all I have to just show up where I am. You’ve seen those prompts where you’re asked to describe your life in 6 words?

 

I don’t want to write anymore.

 

That’s what I came up with. And maybe that’s my problem because writing has always grounded me but I think it has also encouraged me to create my own reality. And maybe that reality isn’t really real. Maybe I need to stop writing about it and just live it.

 

So that’s why I recently told a fellow blogger who asked if I’d be interested in guest posting that I’ve sworn off blogging until we close on our new house (fingers crossed, early next month).

 

And I believed it when I said it because not only have I not had the urge to write, I’ve been incapable of forming enough thoughts to write. I haven’t even wanted to read my favorite blogs. I just can’t be there and here at the same time.

 

I’m in that sacred middle space between where I was and where I’m going. I want to honor it and live it. I don’t want to analyze it and write it into a box of my own creation. I want it to breath into me and through me.

 

But somehow, it’s still not real unless I write about it.

27 Comments on “Middle Space

  1. There’s nothing more that I can add that these beautiful women haven’t already addressed. You are fabulous, you are busy living your life and being with those awesome children. Christy mentioned the cyclical nature and I liken it to low and high tide. Ride those waves, don’t give in to the undertow, and everything will level out as it should.
    Love you sister!

    Like

  2. well…

    you just gave my malaise a name, and one I like at that….the middle space.
    Yes.
    For me there is so much going on that I need and want to be present for, am present for, the writing seems redundant. Or maybe it’s the stuff…deeply personal and transformative in many ways, but how do i write about it in any way that makes sense…some of it has no words.
    I appreciate this.
    Thank you
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this so, so, so incredibly much, Karen. Writing is more than the product it creates; it’s a therapy and a process of discovery. And when we need it most – when we’re in those middle spaces – is when we often most lack the energy or inspiration to do it. Isn’t it maddening?

    Love this post so much. Even if you don’t feel like your heart is in it, boy do you write beautifully!

    Like

    • It is maddening! I’m also learning that I don’t have to write to prove to myself that something is real. I’m enjoying life even if it’s not all documented. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement Emily! xxoo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “But somehow, it’s still not real unless I write about it.”

    This is the catch! I HAVE to write. Even when I don’t have the words or the time. It eats at me until I’m writing something. I understand what you are saying. It’s quite a struggle.

    (And I’m surprised my own little guy hasn’t told me about this news that Jar Jar Binks could be a Sith Lord- he was totally impressed that his Nonna could identify a tie-fighter and Boba Fett yesterday!!!)

    Like

  5. I totally hear you. Last fall I was so busy living that my writing or even wanting to write as my process, slowed to a trickle. Life is waves, ebbs and flows, expansion and compression. It’s all good. Do what you need.

    Like

  6. Yes. I hear and feel everything you have written. I’m relieved to read your words and to identify with your thinking. It can be tiring to live mindfully and then to recount it. To capture it. Sometimes it’s healing. Lately for me it feels like work. So I’ve backed off and will write only if I’m moved and time allows. There is less of an urgency now … and also much less time. I would miss you deeply if you stopped writing. But I would also understand. Sending love your way and wishes for a wonderful move!

    Like

%d bloggers like this: