What I Want to Say to the Person Who Stole Money From My Home

Click on photo to go to source.

Click on photo to go to source.

 

I know what you’re going to say. You didn’t do it. It was someone else. It doesn’t matter that there’s not a shred of evidence that points to anyone but you. You will still deny it.

You’re doing drugs. Again. You’re acting reckless. Again. I welcomed you back into our lives and you hurt someone I love. Again.

But you’re not the only one who has made mistakes. I don’t know what I could’ve been thinking. In the nearly 8 years since you’ve been in my life, you have ripped through our lives like a tornado and every time he took you back, we took you back. Without a good explanation, without so much as an apology. Why would you need to apologize to us? You didn’t hurt us directly, right? That’s what I told myself. If he chose to be with you, respecting him meant respecting that choice.

So, I opened my door to you. Again. I treated you with respect and kindness. Again. I gave you the benefit of the doubt even though I knew you were doing drugs. Again.

And you paid me back by stealing money from my friend. Right from under our noses. In my sacred place where I welcome and cherish those I love. There will never be another again.

I don’t know what it will take for you to get help, for you to get clean and to get sober. I don’t know what has to happen for you to recognize that the substances you’re putting into your body are killing your soul and robbing you of all the potential I so clearly see in you. I’ve always seen a brightness fighting to show through your armor and defenses. It’s those glimpses that made me want to support you.

You think I’m judging you harshly and am hateful. But maybe I haven’t been hard enough on you. I’ve never been one to give up on someone who needs love and support. I don’t want people to feel like I’m judging them harshly and unfairly because I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve given many people a chance to earn my trust again. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me. I want to be liked.

But instead of worrying so much about what you would think of me, maybe what you really needed was for me to be real with you. Maybe if I would’ve made getting help for your substance abuse a condition of our relationship after your first reckless incident years ago, you would’ve understood that it wasn’t ok to me for you to keep hurting yourself and those I love. Who knows? Maybe that condition would have been unacceptable to you and you never would’ve stepped foot back in my home. It would’ve made things complicated.

But maybe taking that hard line with you would’ve been what you needed to see that you are killing yourself. And that I care about that. I care about you.

We’ll never know what could’ve been. I can only tell you that the line is drawn now. The rest is up to you.

 

Friends of mine put together these lists of resources for getting help:

http://runningonsober.com/resources/

http://sobermomwrites.com/?page_id=2569

http://sobercourage.com/support-online/

Other resources:

Narcotics Anonymous

Recovery.org

Sober Identity

28 Comments on “What I Want to Say to the Person Who Stole Money From My Home

  1. You are so honest and raw and brave. It’s scary to set boundaries with the hope that not only will they be respected but that they’ll be a catalyst for some self reflection and growth. Unfortunately I think most people feel safer in their stuck behaviors instead of dabbling with curiosity and striving for true growth and authenticity. I’m sighing now as I write this. We can only do what we can do. I suppose that means we stay on our path … unfortunately today, for me, that path feels lonely. I want those I care about to jump on it with me and this means holding a space for feeling profoundly disappointed when they are unwilling or unable to. You never know. Anything is possible. I do believe that and I hold on to hope. Always. Thanks for this; it’s left me quite contemplative.

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    • The thing about setting boundaries is that you have to let go of any sense of power and let go of the outcome. It’s not about changing the other person but acknowledging that I’m not willing to let someone continually hurt me or the people I care about any longer. I can’t be in a relationship with a destructive person. That doesn’t mean I can’t forgive or love but it means that there can be no reciprocity when the other person is set out to destroy themselves or the people I love.

      It sounds like what you’re talking about is people who have a different set of tools and who may be holding onto beliefs and ways of being that keep them stuck in place. That’s frustrating, especially if you yearn to go deeper with them and can never quite break the crust. They’re like creme brulee. You want to get to the sweet, soft center but there’s the hard shell to break through first. But don’t forget – the hard shell is made of the same stuff as the sweet, soft center. It’s just in a different form. 😉 xxoo ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, how I understand everything you write about here. It’s infuriating, frustrating, and sad. I hope your words hit home. Taking the hard line is sometimes the only thing you have left and I know this as well. I hope for all involved that this person takes heed and realizes that a change needs to come.

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  3. Everyone is capable of change. Maybe this will be part of her rock bottom. The disease of addiction…god I just hate it. The Liar’s Disease is what Stephen King calls alcoholism, though I think it fits any of the addictions. So important though to set boundaries and hold firm to the consequences.
    You can hate the disease and still love the person. Though sometimes it’s so hard to like the other person though. 😉 don’t give up on her, but don’t be a doormat either. That whole detach with love thing….it’s hard though. Sometimes you just have to detach period.
    Geez maybe I do need to finish that tough love post I’ve been sitting on for 3 years.
    xoxo thanks for the mention. ❤

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      • Oh I know, Karen. It just seemed like everyone sounded so weary, that I figured I’d chime in with an alternative view. People change, but it’s so hard for people to change willingly. Hoping you get surprised. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. this is great Karen…
    and certainly will help others dealing with this sort of thing in their lives.
    Boundries/ limits…so hard. But so needed.
    She may never see this but I assume you’ve said it to her..if you start to backdown please ask for support….it will be good for both of you.
    I’m so sorry this happened, but we grow from this crap, right?\
    xoox

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  5. You have done what you can – you cannot fix this person – it’s up to her; and she doesn’t seem to want to be fixed – and maybe, like you say, she’s always been accepted back without any kind of censure. What a horrible situation to be in and to have something stolen from a friend in your home, which is a sacred and safe place. She sort of defiled it. I wish her well, but I think you need to think of your family and their needs first in this situation.

    Much love,
    Rutabaga ~

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  6. Your heart is open and she was lucky to have you, even if she doesn’t know it. She will come around in her own time, if ever. But, as you said, it doesn’t need to be part of your path or that of your family. You are strong to do this!

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  7. What a great message! One that extends beyond the person who will never read this – the person who needs to hear it.
    This is even more poignant and awesome because I know what you’ve been reading this week. What a wonderful way to write what may have been a SFD and morph it into the ending you have chosen – one that’s filled with boundaries, integrity, and generosity.
    Oh Karen, I say this all of the time – but, I’m so happy you are in my life. xo

    PS; What page are you on?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m about a 3rd of the way through the book! I think the part of the book (Brene Brown’s Rising Strong for people who like to read comments) that resonates with me the most so far is how she talks about the necessity of curiosity. We have to be curious about our feelings before we can heal. Curiosity has saved my life.

      If I don’t tell you enough, I’m so grateful for you!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I am sorry you have to deal with this, on so many different levels. :/ ((hugs))

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  9. So often, we are told that we need to forgive and to allow people who have hurt us back into our lives. If we don’t, we’re bad people. That guilt is so hard to shake. You’ve done the right thing. Rewarding bad behavior gives people permission to continue it.

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    • I does. I’ve taught her how to treat me and my family by not setting boundaries. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner but I’ve known enough families affected by addiction to know that it’s complicated.

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  10. I hope this person listens…I assume this person won’t. But that’s my own cynicism born of my relationship with my sister of whom this could have been written…word for word.

    Sherry

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