I managed 3 weeks without blogging. I’ve read some books, tried not to think too hard and wasted a little time on Facebook. I’ve had deep conversations with friends, hilarious ones with my kids and trick-or-treated like a boss. I even dressed up for Halloween, which I haven’t done since 1998.
There’s definitely something in the air. Loved ones all around me are struggling with life changing circumstances while I’m in a season of stability. I’ve been through much of what they’re going through so it should be easy for me to offer advice but I feel oddly impotent.
I’ve been there but I can’t go there with you. I used to know what to say when someone told me they were feeling suicidal or contemplating divorce or got into big trouble but now I just pray for the Holy Spirit to put the right words in my mouth. I’ve been calling on the Holy Spirit a lot lately because otherwise, I’d be speechless.
Last weekend, we drove to Mt. Lemon, one of my favorite places. It was a perfect day for a Jeep ride and we got to experience the bite of fall. We were given free tickets for the ski lift so with my husband and son on one seat and me and my daughter on another, we ascended the mountain. It made my breath catch and my heart flutter. I was taken aback by the silence. Well…silence is completely the wrong word because I could hear the hum of the lift, the sound of wind blowing through the pines and my 4-year-old chatting incessantly…so yeah, silence doesn’t describe it. Reverence. I was filled with reverence.
There were signs of the last forest fire all around. Giant trees were blackened and scarred on one side but still alive. Others were burnt to the ground but surrounded by tall grasses and wild flowers. At the top of the mountain, the entire back side looked like a moonscape, eerie limbless tree trunks achingly pointing to the sky. But life was everywhere, singing in the branches and sprouting from the earth. It occurs to me that the only advice I have for anyone struggling is to do whatever it takes to hear your heart. Give it the respect it deserves. It takes practice and it takes discipline. You can’t hear a thing if you’re filling your life with useless noise, substances and things. I’m not sure if it’s really helpful if all I’m telling you is to figure it out for yourself but there you go. Figure it out. Figure. It. Out.
“Everyone who asks will receive. Everyone who searches will find.”
I’m very sensitive and intuitive and every so often I experience a few hours or a day where I seem to absorb all the emotion and energy around me. I’m melancholy and sometimes even inconsolable but the feelings don’t really belong to me. Skeptics would call it being hormonal or possibly repression but I know exactly what it is. I’m like a Jedi sensing a disturbance in the Force and it feels like the universe is crying out. It’s like everyone I love is having a bad day and I can feel it as though it’s happening to me. Back before I was accepting of this gift, I would beat myself up for being so emotional and I’d try to find ways to make my emotions fit circumstances. I know better now. It’s hyper-connectivity and nothing more. The solution is to sit with the feelings and pay attention to signs and symbols. It’s a fleeting, temporary state and not one to fear.
My sister died two months ago today. She keeps reaching out to me in the most beautiful ways. She’s nudging me to places I wouldn’t otherwise think to go. This blogging break was supposed to be a time for me to think for myself for awhile and instead I’ve been bombarded by spirit guiding me. I guess we get what we need, not necessarily what we want.
I’m going to steal this song that RoS posted awhile back because it’s a song that has come to represent my sister to me. Until next time…