Resistance is Futile

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Change is going on all around me; in my personal life, in the lives of people I care about and in the lives of total strangers. In a lot of ways, I really like change but lately I’ve been feeling resistant to it.  You don’t have to be a Trekkie to understand what the Borg meant when they said, “Resistance is futile.”

I find that I’m most resistant to change when I can’t find my role within the new order. There is nothing worse for me than the feeling of being at the mercy of forces outside of myself. Whether it’s a decision that’s out of my hands or a change of direction, I want to know that I have choices, that I have control.

There’s the word at the heart of it all. With change comes the unknown and my futile attempts to stay in control.

My aunt and her family are going through unimaginable heartache at having to relive my cousin’s death. He was killed in a road rage shooting last year and the killer’s trial started last week. Sometimes, the unknown is heartbreakingly forced upon you.

I was driving a few days ago when I noticed a woman walking with 3 young children. One was in an infant carrier on her back. The other two were walking by her side and looked to be under the age of 4. It was a busy street and not one that I’d feel comfortable walking down with my kids. Heck, I’m barely comfortable walking my kids through a parking lot. Then I noticed the white stick with the red tip and realized she was blind. Sometimes, the unknown is unavoidable if you want to get anywhere.

I had a breakdown last week when I found out that my kids’ pediatrician is not part of our new insurance group even though the only reason I chose the plan was because she was on the list. No matter that my kids are perfectly healthy and maybe see the doctor twice a year. Sometimes, the unknown is a minor inconvenience that feels like the final straw in a world of change that’s coming at you fast.

Will we be okay? What will they decide? Will I slip off the sidewalk?

When I stopped drinking in 2011, I was not comforted by the advice of taking it one day at a time. The opposite was true. Committing to not drinking for only one day left me feeling like I had a lifetime to worry about. For me, the only way to stop drinking was to commit to not drinking forever. It was a control issue for me. I’ve learned to see the wisdom in taking it one day at a time and handing it over to God but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped resisting.

I had a second breakdown last week when my kids and I watched Frozen. When Queen Elsa began to sing Let It Go I did just that. Cuddled up in bed with my kiddos, safe, fed and warm, I cried and let go of whatever it was that was keeping me from breathing deeply. I inhaled the scent of their sweet heads and exhaled the pressure that was determined to escape one way or another.

Today, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage. I’m reminded of all the love that I’ve let into my life, of all that I haven’t resisted or pushed away. I have so much to be thankful for.

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“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

37 Comments on “Resistance is Futile

  1. When I feel the way you’re feeling and the anxiety starts to creep in, I visualize a raging river. And when I’m swimming against this much stronger force, trying to get out, I just get tired and drown. But, when I just relax as much as possible and let its energy, however crazy, carry me along, I realize that at some point, it has to slow down. And I’ll be able to move of my own steam again. Wishing you peace.

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    • I’ve been visualizing this all morning and it’s been so helpful! Yesterday I read, “God does not call the qualified, but rather qualifies the called.” Those two thought (prayers, really) are keeping me afloat. Thank you!

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  2. Happy belated anniversary, Karen! Such a wonderful post, as all of yours are. I hope you had a wonderful day, and I just read this one and Sherry’s, and now I need to go watch the movie Frozen!

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  3. Change is hard – no getting around it. Feeling a lot of the same stuff right now. A good cry and cuddle is the best answer sometimes. Hugs and happy anniversary. Nineteen years – that’s awesome!

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  4. Happy Anniversary, Karen and Mister Karen!

    Totally the same way about drinking. I had to totally take it off the table as an option–forever. If I left the door open with the one day at a time thing, I know me, I know I would walk through the door to “one day I’ll drink again.”

    And oh you take the most beautiful photos!

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  5. Happy Anniversary! Thank you for sharing this story. It is like one of my favorite book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” It is kinda like that. 😀 Awesoooome!

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  6. I cried while watching Frozen for the same damn reason…it felt good. But then I cried at the end when a sister’s love is what it took to heal her heart. My sister and I are forever estranged and no matter how much I think I don’t care, turns out I do.

    Happy Anniversary!!!!

    Sherry

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    • My sister and I used to be very close but then we grew apart. I wish it was like it is in Disney movies sometimes…well, except the part when the parents died and the giant snow monster, but you know what I mean. Thanks Sherry!

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  7. Letting go seems to be something I have to do everyday, maybe I should just commit to letting go of everything 🙂 I know God is in control, that I can’t know what’s coming, and that I don’t need to… but that’s so hard to remember and live that way sometimes! Thanks so much for the reminder!

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  8. Fantastic! I love the “most resistant to change when I can’t find my role within the new order.” It’s like that moment of panic walking into a party, “Okay, who is here that I can hang with?” I am completely open to new experiences… just so long as I know exactly where they’re going to take me!

    I like your style. I hope you don’t mind if I look over your shoulder as you jot down your thoughts. If you’ve a mind to do the same, I’ll occasionally jot some sober thoughts down at http://www.goddrugsandthugs.com.

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  9. I hear you loud and clear – I spent a lot of time feeling like I was one incident away from complete and utter disaster – just a shift of a piece could make it all come tumbling down…what if we had to live in the streets? What if I lost my job and no one would hire me for anything but minimum wage? What if…what if… what if…

    Not so much anymore – age brings its own benefits and learning to calm the mind and stop going from A to Z without any other letters in-between. I still can find myself going there – but it’s less and less.

    Change without control is the hardest thing for some of us to face. And we know we need to let go – but sometimes we don’t know HOW. A good cry will often help us get ourselves under control. You have a lot more safety nets around you than you realize – and hopefully you’ll never need to test them out…but they’re there.

    Happy Anniversary – I can’t believe 19 years ago I was wearing a blue/green dress and standing beside my best friend as she got married!

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  10. I feel like this was something I needed to read today. I like to think I can control every aspect of my life, but in reality there are so many things out of my hands. It’s nice to read about someone who feels the same.

    http://www.anolivedaily.com

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      • Oh, such a great post Karen! It’s all about acceptance for me. Of course easier said than done. Lol. I’ve had several months of changes too as the company I work for is reorganizing. It’s actually good, we have trippled in size! But dag, I got a new boss, a new position, new coworkes and Friday I have to move to a different office space. And none I had any control over! Fear crept in and I have been stuck. But this last week I finally was able to let go, and would you have known, I feel so much better! 🙂

        Congrats on 19 years! Awesome!

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