An Awkward Christian

God's love

I recently celebrated my first year of being a Christian. It felt a lot like my first year of not drinking. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it all means, trying the label “Christian” on for size and getting used to the vernacular (or as Dr Evil would say, I don’t “sprechen sie the same lingidy.”).

I’m a very awkward Christian.

Everyone who knows me was surprised that I made this choice but anyone who has ever been asked by God to surrender to His love understands completely. Still, I didn’t abandon all my beliefs and convictions when I became a Christian. I strongly support gay rights and know that there’s a big difference between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. I believe that the world is filled with different interpretations of God because He chooses to reach us in different ways. Reaching us is more important than the label we give it. To me it seems clear that the Enemy is Fear and that if you look for the Enemy around every corner you will surely find it. These aren’t popular views in many Christian circles.

Much like my first year in sobriety, my first year as a Christian has been about survival. I often picture Jesus trying to save me as I’m drowning. I know I’m drowning but I can see the shore and I’m sure I can make it there by myself. I finally relax into His embrace only to be filled with fear again. I invariably kick Him in the gut as I try to save myself. Surrender is a process but He never leaves me.

The prayer that I pray most often, almost daily, in fact, is:

God, please make this obvious. I’m feeling a little dense.

The most important thing I’ve learned this first year is that I’ve not been scarred by my struggles. I’ve been marked as one of God’s children. This life was given to me as a precious gift. Every tiny detail of it. Every hug, every slap, every kind word and every stick and stone. He marked me as His. He marks all of us.

The first year has been about trying to figure out this new world. My goal for year two is stop trying to figure it out and embrace it. To keep an open mind. To expect the unexpected. To fear not.

“I have learned that it is impossible to be a Christian without being a Jew in spirit…I’ve done things all my life to justify something missing in myself. I feel, for the first time, that I am able to give without reservation or hope of compensation.” – Leon Uris, Exodus

11 Comments on “An Awkward Christian

  1. Ohhhh … what a lovely piece. I too understand FEAR as the opposite of whatever is Godly (aka the love). It is so apparent how fear manifests itself behind many masks. I often joke with my “mentor” about hearing God. “How can you not hear him?” is a common reply to most things from my mouth. It’s as if he suggests I forgive an error and I silently tell him “no” … (kick in the gut) … then I get to feel sh**y as the tension mounts. It’s so clear to me that I have actually tried to get away from him because his way is so simple, so loving. My prayer, “God send it in triple neon colors about two inches from my face.”

    I am a student of A Course In Miracles which uses Christian vernacular to explain the “trinity” and I was raised Catholic. I have a lot swimming in my head at times. but whatever my path, it’s always the choice for love. And, Dr. Evil, well, he is simply the best.
    Lots of love and thanks, Lisa

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  2. I truly loved this so much. I have been a born again Christian for 20+ years. I still pray, Dear God, please make it obvious. I am so dense.” Thank you!

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  3. Love this! ….writing is certainly your thing. One thing that is at the forefront of my heart right now is that I don’t think the enemy is Fear, although it certainly is a factor. I believe the Enemy is LIES. Lies can do so much harm, it can make us think something that will completely destroy us can be a part of us. Lies can convince us to fear. Lies can drive us away from the ONE who Loves us with a real love, not distorted love that the world convinces us we need. I pray for clarity and His TRUTH…and the courage to see it and accept it.

    Your analogy of drowning is such a perfect visual of every struggle we have and where Jesus is in that struggle.

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